we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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