there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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