Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
