I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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