I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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