got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
