maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
