So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
