sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We had to coat check the pizza.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
