i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
