Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
