My liver just broke up with me...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
