my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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