my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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