So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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