i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
