i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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