Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
