I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
