My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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