I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
