yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
