I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
