You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize