i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
