i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
