my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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