Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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