I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
