if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
