is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
