So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
