I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
