jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
