I just threw up on my dentist
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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