But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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