My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
