Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
