he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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