look no pants
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
