How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
