I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
