I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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