Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
