ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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