Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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