4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
