I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
