Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
