he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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