community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just had sex on a roof
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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