She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
