Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
