bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
