I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
