dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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