Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize