In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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