Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
