I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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