You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
