So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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