Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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